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Showing posts with label India. Show all posts
Showing posts with label India. Show all posts

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Confused Nation..


where a policeman kills a leopard that is actually attacking a villager, and instead of being felicitated he is booked for the crime of saving a human being at the insistence of some Wildlife Organisations.

A nation where Rice is Rs.40/- per kg and SIM Card is free

Where a pizza you have ordered reaches home faster than an ambulance or police, even if you were being murdered or having a heart attack
Where a car loan is charged at 5% but an education loan, so necessary for our youth is charged an interest of 12%

A nation where students with 45% get into elite institutions through the quota system and those with 90% are sent away because of merit.

Where a millionaire buys a cricket team, spending crores instead of donating the money to any charity. Where two IPL teams were auctioned at 3300 crores, yet still a poor country where people starve for two square meals per day.

A country where footwear is sold in AC showrooms, but the vegetables we eat, are sold on the footpath and very often next to garbage dumps.

Where everybody wants to be famous, not by doing good for others, but by looting others and finally getting their names in the newspapers through some scam or other!

It’s a strange nation we live in, where assembly complex buildings get ready within a year while public bridges, flyovers and sea links take several years even to get off the drawing board and another decade to be completed

We are a nation where two brothers fight with each other for the nation’s spoils, but the nation doesn’t know that the two of them are cleverly looting the nation while we watch their mock battles.

We have malls, and sky-rises, with slums forming their boundary wall.

A country where men and women squat on railway tracks, with no where else to go while watching them from windows, are couples with three bathrooms and one for the guests

A country where politicians who are supposed to serve the people accept money from the same people they are supposed to serve, then take a salary from the government for their services to the people

We are a nation where we talk in hushed whispers about the corruption in the country and then dig into our pockets to bribe a cop when we are caught cutting a red light

Think about it; we are a confused nation, aren’t we?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

TAX...... TAX......... TAX............ What a Great job from Govt. of India !!!!!!


                               

1) Qus.: What are you doing?

Ans.: Business.

Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX

2) Qus.: What are you doing in Business?

Ans.: Selling the Goods.

Tax : PAY SALES TAX

3) Qus.: From where are you getting Goods?

Ans.: From other State/Abroad

Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI

4) Qus.: What are you getting in Selling Goods?

Ans.: Profit.

Tax : PAY INCOME TAX

5) Qus.: How do you distribute profit ?

Ans : By way of dividend

Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX

6) Qus.: Where you Manufacturing the Goods?

Ans.: Factory.

Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY

8) Qus.: Do you have Staff?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX

9) Qus.: Doing business in Millions?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX ?

Ans : No

Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

10) Qus.: Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?

Ans.: Yes, for Salary.

Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX

11) Qus.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?

Ans.: Hotel

Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX

12) Qus.: Are you going Out of Station for Business?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX

13) Qus.: Have you taken or given any Service/s?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX

14) Qus.: How come you got such a Big Amount?

Ans.: Gift on birthday.

Tax : PAY GIFT TAX

15) Qus.: Do you have any Wealth?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX

16) Qus.: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?

Ans.: Cinema or Resort.

Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX

17) Qus.: Have you purchased House?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE

18) Qus.: How you Travel?

Ans.: Bus

Tax : PAY SURCHARGE

19) Qus.: Any Additional Tax?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL &

SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

20) Qus.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY

21) INDIAN : Can I die now??

Ans : No, wait we are about to launch the FUNERAL TAX

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The banality of the Indian cricket fan



The banality of the Indian cricket fan

Indian spectators express themselves physically, through dancing, screaming and jumping about




One of the disappointing things about the World Cup was that it was played on the subcontinent. It is thought that India loves cricket. This is incorrect. India loves India. Cricket gives us the opportunity to express this affection. The local cricket match in India is unattended. Even World Cup matches featuring two other sides will be played without spectators, no matter what the calibre of the players. This is unlike World Cup football, or American football and basketball. What attracts Indian spectators isn’t cricket the sport in that sense.
Let us observe the pattern of crowd behaviour.


Tedious: (above and left) Banners in India are often unimaginative; and Sachin Tendulkar. Photographers: Kirsty Wigglesworth/AP and Gurinder Osan/AP
Tedious: (above and left) Banners in India are often unimaginative; and Sachin Tendulkar. Photographers: Kirsty Wigglesworth/AP and Gurinder Osan/AP















Indian spectators express themselves physically, through dancing, screaming and jumping about. This is done communally, in groups often including middle-aged men. It is done emotionally, with strong facial expression. Sunil Gavaskar says he was amazed to first play at Lord’s 40 years ago because of the way the audience applauded. It was, he said, always three claps. Clap-clap-clap-silence. But that is why cricket is an English sport. We behave like a WWF audience. Strange things excite us. Like Kolkatans setting their stands alight at the end of a match, a neanderthal fascination with fire.
In European nations (I mean race, not geography and so: England, Australia, South Africa, New Zealand), spectator behaviour is more individual. Where communication is visual, it is not through facial expression, but fancy dress.


Instead of screaming, expression is through the written word: banners.
In India, signs are held up which are either obvious or embarrassingly banal. A decade ago, they were also poorly spelled. These days they’re not because advertisers hand out printed ones. This defeats the purpose of spectator banners, and that is spontaneity. There is never real humour, which can only come when we are able to laugh at ourselves.
In February 1993, South Africa were chasing 208 against Pakistan at Durban. From 158 for 1 they were all out for 198, five of them clean-bowled by the great Waqar Younis.
Sachin Tendulkar
Sachin Tendulkar


As his yorkers were bringing doom to the last few, a South African held up a large sheet on which she had scrawled “WAQAR THE SPRINGBOK FAQAR”. So clever, I remember it 18 years later. Indians write rubbish.
Foreign commentators often say that the crowd in Chennai is “knowledgeable”. In saying this, they mean that they don’t go off on bump balls, like the crowd does elsewhere in India.
One unique thing is how Indian spectators are silent when the other team scores. On television it’s as if the screen has gone mute. It’s not about enjoying a sport and appreciating the ability of professionals to play it. It’s about nationalism, which in India is narrow and zero-sum. If they score even a little victory, a boundary, our tumescence droops. The Bengali thinks he’s different, but this is untrue. Imminent defeat against the Lankans in 1996’s World Cup resulted in Kolkatans rioting in Eden Gardens, and, as Indians tend to do, damaging the property that they could barely afford.
The Indian team is overrated because our fierce nationalism inflates its capacity. This has been amplified recently because of our economic power. Ten years ago, opponents thought little of us, and rightly. Against the quality team, India’s record is to fold. We regularly get a thrashing from Australia (won 36, lost 61), old enemy Pakistan (47:69), and newcomers South Africa (24:40). Even West Indies, 25 years in decline, have a superior record (39:54).
Usually, Indians are happy if their team wins the skirmish and loses the battle. This is because national honour is often safeguarded by the hero. The astute Ian Chappell noticed that Indians were content if Sachin Tendulkar scored his hundred even if India then lost. In Australia, this would never happen, he said, and it would be seen as defeat, which it is. Since his audience telegraphs this, the Indian cricketer plays for himself much more than players of other sides. An analysis of Tendulkar’s scoring pattern between 90 and 100 will be interesting.
The other thing that separates the Indian audience from the European is the level of security.
David Gower remarked on why Indians flung things at fielders on the boundary. The intent wasn’t to hurt, he said generously, just to distract, “though there were one or two good arms out there”.
Why do we throw things? It’s difficult for others to follow our manner of forcibly inserting ourselves into the action through such simian behaviour.
The Indian is deeply prejudiced against Africans and black players have always been targeted (some will be offended by this sweeping allegation. I am open to the suggestion that the Indian is an equal-opportunity vandal). A bottle hit Vasbert Drakes at Rajkot in 2002. This sort of thing has now stopped. Why? Because Indian spectators are watched over, like inmates.
On all Indian grounds, a wire mesh now separates players from the unpredictable Indian audience. This is shameful, but passes unnoticed in our culture. In Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, West Indies and England, this isn’t needed.
The policing here is excessive, but necessary. Geoffrey Boycott was upset after his sandwiches were confiscated by security in Delhi in February. I sympathize with him for being forced to eat the crew’s Mughlai lunch. Sir Geoffrey is working class and sees no appeal in the exotic. I think a bit of racial profiling is fine, and we should be firm only with Indians.
The greatest commentators in sport are Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen who for years have guided Tour de France viewers through the countryside. Their quality has elevated the event. Second best is Channel 9’s team of Richie Benaud and Ian Chappell (I don’t like Bill Lawry: too excitable). Of the others, West Indians Michael Holding and Ian Bishop are first rate: polished, elegant speakers.
Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri are second rate: no lucidity, little insight and speaking only in stock phrase and cliche. In Shastri’s case, this is often incorrect cliche: “You can be rest assured...” Sanjay Manjrekar is better and so, though more evidence is needed, is Sourav Ganguly.
Navjot Singh Sidhu is original, and perfect for Indians. He’s Wodehousian, spouting rubbish with an air of magnificence. A sort of developing world’s Psmith. It is why he’s so popular with us, because the equation is: content < spectacle. Harsha Bhogle works on his language, and is committed enough to wear a hairpiece, but he’s fluffy and boring—a unique double whammy. If we must have fluff, I prefer Mandira Bedi. Lovely body and she puts it on display well.
The one way Indian commentators could immediately improve would be to talk less. Gavaskar says his best lesson in commentary was in Australia when he was with Benaud. When an Indian batsman hit his hundred, the crowd applauded. Gavaskar brought the microphone to his mouth, but stopped when he felt Benaud’s hand on his wrist. Gavaskar said later he realized Benaud wanted the TV audience to take in the moment of the batsman in his solitude, a gladiator in an arena.
Lesson not learnt and no chance of enjoying this in India, with Bhogle and Shastri twittering over everything, and the crowd screaming all the time (silent only during enemy advance).
Between its spectators and commentators, Indians have ruined cricket for everybody. With the growth of our economy, this has got worse. Indian money has been poured into cricket, sloshing in its crevices, spilling out of its guts.
For Indian players this has meant more cash—vast sums from advertising. For Indian spectators it has meant more advertising. Advertisements between overs, advertisements between balls. Intrusive, invasive, relentless, shameless flogging. Strokes renamed by sponsors, sixes renamed after sponsors. Such vulgarity is not off-putting to Indians, which is why it continues and has increased in time.
This could never happen in Australia or England. These places are the refuge for fundamentalists who like cricket played, shown and seen in the orthodox fashion.
Those who wake early to watch the beautiful Test match telecast from Australia are inevitably rewarded. The crunch of the ball hitting the pitch is always clear. The ads for cricket memorabilia are always tasteful. There is the restrained commentary, the women in bikinis (unthinkable in Delhi), the glasses of cold beer (unthinkable in Ahmedabad). Relaxed bodies on sloping green knolls.
No danger of such small rewards of civilization ever reaching our shores, but at least we have Sachin.
Courtesy Aakar Patel (www.livemint.com)
Aakar Patel is a director with Hill Road Media.